This Is Our Luck...........

God I am depressed..literally I just want to fall asleep and not wake up until Mark comes home. He said that they it's likely that they won't be home until October..I want to die hearing that. I'm in tears now...this hurts so much, the only ones who understand are the ones going through it. I was starting to become happy again too..thinking OK were almost done. Now I am just crushed all over again hearing the word October...thinking that we have another 3 months of this..that is shit. This deployment has made my life shit...I will forever look back at this with the feelings that it was one of the worst times of my life. And for what? For whatever reasons our country babysits the rest of the world. I don't even care what the reasons are anymore. They mean nothing to me. Mark tells me not to worry...not to think about the worst in everything. I just can't do that...I can't turn off my emotions. I CANNOT sit here and not worry....he's not on the other side of the country...he's in a war, and in war there is no gaurantee of the future. I hurt so bad inside...my heart aches every minute I am alone, and a small piece of me dies everyday that I know my husband goes out and may not come home. I am not the same person I was before. In ways I am stronger, but in others I am weak, feable and lost. I will never be the same...to live in fear for so long kills a part of your soul..and I feel I may never get it back. At least my happiness will return when my husband does...then I won't hurt so much...and not cry everyday. My Mother was talking to me last night...no matter where I went in the house the lights flickered..I know it was her. She was telling me that she knew my hurt...my sadness. How I wish I wasn't so alone...I miss my best friend..I miss kissing....just his touch. If Mark were to come home tomorrow I would be the happiest person on the planet..I will be the happiest person on the planet the second I see him. I already know that I'm going to fall into his arms and melt into him. I will sob....I will literally fall apart in his arms...but finally he will be there to hold me up and to put me back together...and then I will be happy again.